Sunday, September 29, 2013

Eventually everything will be okay.

At the end we all die... but we can't choose the time or place... we just go away... leave the ground and our beloved ones and just go.


Today a year ago we lost our friend. The hardest thing is to lose someone dear to you without a chance to say goodbye - so unfair.
When I was little my mum always told me that if someone dies the spirit of the body goes around for 3 days to find it's peace and then it will go to heaven. So I was mourning and waiting for him to come to me in the middle of night to say goodbye to me. I was hoping that to happen so bad. It didn't. I managed to escape the need to go to South-Estonia to see the place where he died and I just wasn't ready to accept the fact that he's not with us anymore. So I didn't.. for months.
When I had my school practice in Finland around Christmas I had a dream.

***We had some kind of  walking trip with friends... And then suddenly he appeared. I knew in my dream that he was dead so ran to him and hugged him. Asked him how he was. It felt real, like hugging him in real life. And then he told me "Marian, eventually everything will be okay. Tell that to Siiri aswell." And then he started walking away from me. ***  

The morning I woke up after that dream I looked to the calendar and saw that it was 29 of December. I felt so calm and in a way happy - I got to see him for the last time to say goodbye. And it helped. And from that time on I truly believe that people do really come to say goodbye. Maybe not in 3 days, but eventually. 

And now after a year has passed I still don't have the feeling that he's gone. Sometimes I find myself surprised like "ohmy, that's real" but then again I drop that thought.

You are missed every single day!


Let's not forget how precious people close to us are.
Love,
Susie

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Everybody has a private world. Where they can be alone... (Eminem - Beautiful)

First of all I discovered today this (in my opinion) really awesome Danish band Volbeat. So my todays mood raiser is going to be Lola Montez ;)



So... I have this weird feeling. Like I'm stuck somewhere. But I don't know why I am feeling like that atm. Yes, we all know by now that I'm not exactly in a position that I would have loved to be after moving to Fin... Lost. Boring.

Well if I can't find words then everyone else can so that's my escape for today - lyrics from songs. Most of them are from Eminem songs. Oh wait..... all of them are. Such a rebel I am *wink*wink.

||I don't know how or why or when I ended up this position I'm in. I'm starting to feel distant again|| I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor. Everything's so tense and gloom|| I'm hunched over, emotion just flows over, these cold shoulders are both frozen, you don't know me|| Snap, back to reality, oh, there goes gravity|| You better lose yourself in the music|| Kick your shoes off, let your hair down|| Step by step, heart to heart, left right left... (( Beautiful; Apologies; Lose yourself; Like Toy Soldiers; Berzerk))


And now when I finished typing the blog and don't have anything to add I feel like little rabbit who could hop around and just be cute. Yah, pretty cool.


Ps. I am not at all that miserable or depressed as this post might seem o.O
Xo
Susie





Sunday, September 15, 2013

  


Cigarette in my hand, enjoying cold Sunday morning. Leaves are slowly turning their colors - Nature is changing her green dress into something much more colorful and dare I say even more cheerful?!? I'll take another puff of smoke and breathe it in... I can feel how dizziness is getting me. I am addicted.

As you can see I decided to practice my English and have a post in that language. And every time I start writing it seems to be going well... until I find myself totally lost in my thoughts and then start struggling with the language itself. Not so motivating.  


I've been having an endless discussion with one of my sweetest girls about relationships and feelings.... and if and when it is too early to get into one.... and every time we manage to find ourselves thinking about the questions "what do other think?"... Why do we depend so much on others opinions or words?
Well we still haven't found all the answers for ourselves but I guess this topic isn't lost from our everyday talks. 
I've started to be more social lately (and not only in the meaning of interweb but also in real life). Somehow when I came back to Finland I started to be not so opened to new friends. After all in Estonia I was surrounded with people who I trusted and felt comfortable with. And they knew me. Having a new start and getting to now people might be interesting and all but at the same time I felt that I don't really want to replace my friends back in Est. And that was until I started to meet random people in random places and had chats with them. Then I realized that I don't have to replace anyone. I can just make room for new people to get more interesting stories.       I still do miss my people though.




And now I  remembered it's Sunday so it's time for me to get my butt to the kitchen and start making pancakes - the only things I could cook but don't really like to eat. Ironic.


Susie,
Xo







Friday, September 13, 2013

Who do you think you are?

Reede - palju õnne teile kõigile, kes te olete oma tööpäeva lõpetanud ja võite rahuloleva tundega suunduda lõõgastavasse nädalavahetusse. Mina aga liigun peagi tööle ning veedan oma tunnid tõenäoliselt kuni keskööni seal. Õnneks on mul aga Väga vahva paariline tänu kellele aeg vähe kiiremini tiksub.

Avastasin end teismelise rajalt.... not sure what is going on, aga otsustasin oma rüperaali kaant kaunistada ajakirja väljalõigetea (õigemini piltidega). ON the other hand - eks me peamegi tegema seda, mis meil tuju heaks teeb ning mina leidsin uues kaanes endale inspiratsiooni (not sure in what way though...yet).
Ja ma tõesti ei oska seletada, mis mul on nende inglise keelsete lausetega keset emakeelset teksti. Andeks selle pärast but that's how I am.

Niisiis.... Minu tänane postitus on inspireeritud kõmulehe väljahõikest, et Anu Saagim kutsus Miss Estoniat odavaks tüdrukuks... Mis on see, mis paneb inimesi arvama, et neil on õigus öelda kõik välja, mis sülg suhu toob? Samas, eks ka halb reklaam on reklaam, kuid ma arvan, et kilodes make-up, avar dekoltee ja raha rahakotis ei tee sind veel teistestt paremaks. Viimasel ajal käib mulle kuidagi eriti vastukarva bravuuritari sõnavõtt teiste naiste suhtes, mis paneb mind soovima teda juustest sikutada nagu väikest teismelist plikat  - et teda korrale kutsuda. Sa võid küll olla avaliku seltskonna tipus, but that don't mean people like you. Jah, ei peagi kõigile meeldima, kuid ma arvan, et kui ükskord oled endal margi nii maha teinud ja teiste inimeste viimasegi austuse kaotanud... then I guess you would get me... Ja mis puutub Miss Estonia arvustamisele. Kes on tema ütlema, kas tüdruk on odav ja muud, kui olles ise juba 50 püüab meeleheitlikult olla nooruslik ja käitub-riietub kui 25 aastane. Vanane väärikalt!
Muidugi ei käi see ainult prua Anu kohta, aga lihtsalt tema sõnavõtud panevad mind kogaueg mõtlema sellele, kuidas maailmas on nii palju inimesi, kes peavad ennast teistest paremaks....
Jah it's kind of Make Love Not War post... kind of lame... Aga see on minu arvamus and I'm going to stick with it.


So long,
Susie,
XoXo



Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Baggy jeans, T-shirt and my glasses on - my kind of Wednesday morning (afternoon).

Väljas on tunda jaheda sügise kohalolu. Nii hea on istuda rõgul, kohvi juua ja lihtsalt loodust nautida... või õigemini nautida all murul jooksvate laste kisa (ning ei, ma ei mõtle rõõmuhõiskeid vaid ehtsat, pead valutama panevat kisa).
Leidsin tee tagasi raamatute juurde. Tunnen, et peale tööpäeva olen väsinud ja mitte just kõige sotsiaalsem inimene, seega just raamatute võlumaailm on hea kosutus. Raamat süles ja prillid ees - väike nohikupreili.
Aga ma ei käi lugemist otsimas raamatukogus või raamatupoodides. Kuna meil siin Soomes on nii vingeid kirpareid, siis olen seal tuhlamise enda jaoks muutnud huvitavaks ingliskeelsete raamatute otsimisega ja mu leiud ei ole mind siiamaani alt vedanud. Viimati leidsingi raamatu nimega Lighthousekeeping mis on kirjutatud Jeanette Wintersoni poolt.

Lugu räägib tüdrukust nimega Silver, kellel pole isa ning ta kaotab ka oma ema. Saatuse tahtel hakkab ta elama koos Cape Warth'i  tuletorni vahi Mr. Pew'ga . Nende kooselu möödub üksteisele lugusid rääkides - olgu nad siis ajalooliselt tõesed või välja mõeldud. 

"I know that. But I know something else too, because I was brought up to Lighthousekeeping. Turn down the daily noise and at first there is the relief of silence. And then, very quietly, as quiet as light, meaning returns. Words are the part of silence that can be spoken." 

Üle pika aja võtta raamat kätte, mis on kirjutatud ingliskeeles oli paras katsumus. Kirjanduslik keel on tunduvalt erinevam, kui igapäevane kõnekeel, mida kasutan. Ning kõnealuses raamatus oli kasutatud ka meremeestele omaseid väljendeid, seega end kõigepealt raamatumaailma häälestamine võttis aega. Hoo sisse saanud, ei suutnud ma aga raamatut enam käest panna.

Selle raamatu puhul oli huvitav nüanss see, et raamatusse oli kirjutatud ka teisi raamatuid. Minu jaoks esimene kord sellistmoodi teost lugeda.

Susie.